Finding the Place of Thinner Peace

I suspect most post-menopausal women confront body image issues regardless of whether we're thin or fat or somewhere in between. In spite of our best efforts, the hormonal changes that take place during and after menopause change the way our body works and ultimately looks. Our skin is no longer supple and everything loses its shape. Hence, baggy arm flesh, saggy boobs, weight around the middle, and the rest. We've lost all control over that stuff and we don't like it one bit. Most of us spend a lot of time and energy fighting it and trying to change fate.

The fact remains, we will never be young again, at least in this life! But, we do have a choice. We can resist and struggle to change the things we cannot change and be miserable or embrace who and what we are and make peace with the aging process. Even when we can't change a thing in life, we can change our thinking about the thing.

In the book The Four Day Win, Martha Beck describes the different thought processes that we have when we are trying to lose weight (or change anything about ourselves). Our self talk consists of  a "dictator", which is the voice in our heads that tells us what we should do and yells at us when we don't do it. We have the "wild child" that is rebellious and just wants to feel good and have fun. The dictator brings the wild child out in most of us sooner or later. When we're dieting and trying to lose weight we oscillate between the two. Our dictator beats us into submission for a while and then our wild child gets fed up and leads us on a romp of carefree indulgence. When we're finished romping, we come home to a dictator that scolds us. Hence the yo- yo diet plan!

There is another option. We can mentally step away from these two voices.  Each voice is trying its best to help us with our problem. Each cares, in its own way about our health and happiness. Beck suggests offering these parts of ourselves our appreciation and love giving each a blessing such as:  "May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering." 

This voice, the one that speaks to the dictator and to the wild child is the place of thinner peace. Martha Beck calls it the "Watcher" . It is the voice that will effectively lead us along our path toward health and happiness, not only in our attempts to lose weight but in  learning to accept the wise and wonderful women that we are.

FOR MORE ON WEIGHT LOSS AND DIETING SEE: "Why Are You So Damn Fat?"

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Beyond the Empty Nest

Life ebbs and flows.  There are times when we are swept away by the task at hand. We are committed to our goal and have all the energy we need to see it through to its conclusion. During these times we feel connected and involved in life. At other times, however, we find we are living in a place of uncertainty. A kind of restlessness takes over. We feel discontent with our lives, lethargic and uncertain.

The childbearing years are a period of time when most mothers are caught up in the demands of the day as they chart the course for their children’s future.  We have little time in our days or space in our psyche to think about much else. A whirlwind of activity hurdles us through time and we hang on for dear life committed to the end.

One day, we wake up and find ourselves alone. Suddenly we are empty nesters. It was easy to laugh and joke about it as we anticipated this moment. We couldn’t wait “to do our own thing”, “have the house to ourselves”, and “be free at last”. The reality, however, is quite different.

The ending seems abrupt and the change in our day-to-day lives can leave us feeling bewildered.  We have been so focused on the children that we did not adequately prepare ourselves for parent obsolescence.  Wasn’t it only moments ago that they couldn’t take a breath without us? How did they become self-sufficient so quickly? Oh yeah, that was the goal!

The empty nest can feel dreadfully quiet and lonely. In that quiet space it is easy to let self-doubt and fear creep in. We lose our sense of value and feel we are no longer lovable. Our children have left our world for their own, both physically and psychologically. It seems they don’t have time for us as they build a life apart from us. We have forgotten how we felt at their age. They are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

It is difficult to prepare for the feelings that an empty nest can create. But understanding that it is a period of transition can help us quit fighting the discomfort and help us begin taking the necessary steps to make the most of it. We can get through it and we will. Life will feel “normal” again. But first we must go through the in-between time.

During any transition period in life, whether it be an empty nest, retirement or loss of any kind, it is important to take the time to grieve our lost identities. Our identity as a mother was a very important part of who we were for twenty plus years. It will take time to give up this part of who we are and replace it with something equally meaningful. What are the things about motherhood that you will miss the most? This is where your grief lies and as you feel the sorrow and let it go, you will heal.

In order to make a successful transition it is helpful to avoid obsessing over the past. Wallowing in guilt and regret is a clever way for the psyche to avoid focusing on the present or the future and avoid the pain of grief and loss. Parents whose children are having difficulty adjusting to adulthood, are most vulnerable to falling into the regret trap. Whenever possible, stop yourself  from doing this. What’s done is done.  It is now our children’s responsibility to make the most of what has been given to them just as we had to build a life from the hand that we were dealt. Our job is done. It’s up to them now.

Secondly, avoid the temptation to worry about the future. Living in fear of what tomorrow may bring is a very handy way of avoiding today as well.  Today is all we have. The future will take care of itself when we live today to its fullest.

The period of time between the ending of one phase of life and the beginning of another, is a   fertile opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. Rather than filling the void with fear and guilt, we can use the time to learn about ourselves.  Dare to just “be” in this quiet time, this in-between time. By tuning into our inner voice, we can listen to the callings of our heart and follow where it leads.

Spark this journey by reading a good book or learning something new. When we indulge our creative selves we are providing fertilizer for the ground of our true selves. The answers will come and the future will unfold as it should.

When we take the time to mourn the loss of our identities as mothers and dwell without resistance in the uncertainty of the now, we will uncover a new version of ourselves. We will become the women we were meant to be in this part of our lives. We might just become wonderful, wise women.

Are You Having a "Female Midlife Crisis"?

I stumbled across an article this morning that was entitled “Drinking too much? Feeling worthless? Obsessively shopping? You could be having a FEMALE midlife crisis”…The topic was one of interest to me because I went through many changes as I crossed the midlife threshold. The title, however, didn’t describe my midlife crisis at all. I read on anyway. The writer described a variety of situations in which women suddenly found themselves at a crossroad somewhere between the age of 39 and 49 that had a noticeable impact on their lives. We’ve all talked incessantly about men’s midlife crises, and now women have the honor. Perhaps this is the end result of the women’s lib of the 60’s.

Transition and change are a very real part of life. Some are bigger than others and garner a more significant outcome. The female “midlife crisis” does exist for many. What I wonder is, is it new or even worth talking about. If we name a thing somehow we diminish it; a principle of the Tao. When we do this, the discussion then becomes one of quantifying, calibrating and comparing one “midlife crisis” to another -- not the issues. I suppose some people might drink too much when they’re going through a big change in their lives, or shop obsessively to fill the holes, but that is not the issue. It is just the arrow that points out the problem.

The term “Midlife crisis” also denotes something short, dramatic and sudden. In my experience, the transition that took place when my children left home, for example, was rather long and drawn out – the boomerang generation lives! I understand completely the feelings of an empty nester but as long as we’re naming things how about “boomerang empty nesters” – they go, you’re life is in flux; they return, you annoyingly readjust; they leave, you feel the loss…eventually you go numb and start to drink (that was a joke). Seriously, my point here is, change is a part of life. So is how we cope with it and what we take away from it. That is what I’d like to talk about. I’d like to try not to trivialize or overdramatize experiences in life that have the capacity to make us better, richer more self-actualized people. Let’s talk about the real issues.