Saturday, October 10, 2009

Looking for an Anchor

Part of the human condition, and human nature itself, is that we are creatures who long for meaning and purpose in life. For me it has always been a quest -- a necessity -- a driving force. Even now, as I ask myself when and what actually has provided me with that sense of purpose in the past, I find myself looking for a new connection to it.

I can pull out a few particular things that just felt "right" in my life. They each provided a stepping stone to anchor my foot in the swell of the rushing river that was my life. Each moment that I allowed myself to grab on to that thing that held purpose, meaning, and something quite beyond myself, I felt grounded, I was never sorry I took the route I did.

But that sense of purpose, for me, has always been illusive. I want it here and now, in every waking moment...and sleeping one. I feel as if I am doing "something wrong" when I can't find a limb to hold on to...that I'm missing the mark...and I am adrift.

I wonder if we're meant to be able to see our purpose at all times or if the looking and searching is equally important, or at least necessary.  I wish I knew. I get tired of the wondering, the longing, the feeling of disconnectedness...and yet it pushes me forward...relentlessly.

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