Tuesday, January 12, 2010

"How to Drive in Jersey"

A friend of mine from Jersey sent this to me this morning. And even though I have been living in the South for a million years the memories are still vivid. If you are from the area you may enjoy a good laugh. If you are not, read this with care in case you ever do drive in Jersey!

How To Drive In Jersey

Seriously, there are only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ: A
horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous, including knowing
where you are going.

For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may
come as no surprise. For those who haven't traveled there before,
BEWARE!   Be Prepared!

How To Drive In Jersey

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with
Fork, not New-ark. Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from
NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway
it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Sissy." (Just ask the ex-Governor of NJ)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed
out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour
barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle
of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, illegals, drunk
illegals, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers,
shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless
feeding on any of these items.

9.. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they
are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are
moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder
immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you
are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you
return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for
Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right
after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

1 comment:

Bevie said...

heheheh!!! Much like driving in DC...
Love you blog and I'm aging abundantly!!! lol!

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